desserts and deserts

i thought it was high time that I blogged seeing as the last time I did it was a bit emotional. thanks to those that commented on here (just Sammy E i think) and also through texts and stuff. muchly appreciated. i didnt realise that many people actually read this, but thats cool i guess! Things have got a lot better since then, i really think it was a random moment - an expression of bottled up feelings that needed an outlet. it was probably the first time Ive cried in well over a year (i didnt even cry at Ware winning the league!).

when I was at uni for the last time this year, one of the ladies on the course gave me a word from God that went as follows... "I saw a picture of you (Pete) sitting in a desert with lots of sand around you. it seemed very lonely but when I looked closer I actually saw that it wasn't sand but was instead Hundreds and Thousands. I'm not really sure what the picture meant but I thought I'd share it with you."

Thats the great thing about Uni, the people are SO supportive. I wouldnt swap them for the world. Obviously Ive got my St Albans peeps and also the excellent 8 who I have such fun with, but the others are so integral to the group and offer support like none other. I will miss the 3 that are leaving. I realised after the emotional blog that the picture was very relevant to me. Things were feeling lonely, desolate and tough but in actual fact things were really sweet in my life. In that very moment I was hurting and others that are very close to me were hurting too, and that made it so much harder. But God is bigger than all of it and he has given so much to me over the past two years. I really am fortunate to be in St Albans with such a great bunch of people. I quit Young Life on Friday and I'm now looking for a placement. I was asked if Id be willing to move and I said no simply because of this support group. I love you guys and value you all hugely.

I love Luton so much, but I got very lonely. I loved the Activate guys who were there and obviously had other great things in Luton which kept me very happy and helped me prosper, but I didnt really have a support group and that hurt. Much prayer was put into by myself and someone else (to whom I am eternally greatful) and I feel that God answered those prayers, even though I doubted.

So worry not people, last Saturday was totally a God thing that helped me deal with some issues and be aware of others. Thankyou though, keep praying.

Weight watch: 14st 5lbs - thats a loss of 4lbs in two weeks. Happy days.

hurting

I dont know if this is going to help or not. right now I feel that I have no outlet apart from this. that sucks, big time. I know I have friends who will listen, i just dont feel that theyll understand.

im hurting. im hurting for reasons that may seem silly, i feel that I shouldnt be. i also feel at the strongest that ive felt in a long time. so i dont really know where this is coming from. things feel out of my control, situations in my life that I have no handle on, I cannot influence and that hurts. cos theres nothing i can do about it.

im living in a house that I detest. I get on with noone here whatsoever. the people piss me off. so why not move? where the hell to?? show me somewhere affordable with friends or at least people who could be friends. i hate it here. i cant relax here or be myself and that hurts.

im being forced out of my job. i have put in so much work into Young Life over the past 2 years and at points its been fantastic. but constantly nagging at me has been something telling me it wasnt right. and then when my line mananger, my boss, the person whos there to support me, questions my motivation for youth work and basically says ive not being doing a good job for the past 2 years - well that was it. i was not having that. i simmered and went to sort it out and he handled it incredibly badly and sealed the deal. i was out of there. other people have also confirmed to me YL is not right for me now. that hurts. a placement thats been good for 2 years that Ive loved and felt at home at and yet without doing anything wrong, Im a gonner. With LCET that was understandable, but not this. I hate it. the next stage scares me.

you know when u feel strong and in charge and then something dictates otherwise? well thats happened. I thought i was ready to be able to support someone else but in actual fact i dont feel like i can even support myself. yet I still feel confident in who I am and the man that God has made me. Im not sure that im the Man of God that I want to be or others have wanted me to be. Im hurting and I dont know where that fits into being strong, maybe its what I do with thats crucial. If any of you do read this then please please please pray for me. Prayer is a massive support.

oh and ive also got two 3000 word essays due in Monday and I'm scared that Im going to fail again.

365 days later...

It's one year to the day since London ground to a halt after 4 people tried to rip the heart out of London. So what did they achieve...? I believe that the bombers only united London stronger together and brought the communities of London into unity itself. People that have never spoken before, Old and Young, Christian and Muslim and Next Door neighbour's got united in a stand over terrorism like never before seen in London. For the families of the 52 it was beyond words. For the survivors, the scars may never heal. For London, it was a chance to get stronger. As a Tube Challenger it has been a tough year. We do not want to add to pressure or to make people worried. Our first response was to raise money for the victims. We did this by completing the 275 at walking pace. We were giving out the message that We Are Not Afraid. Normal life should not be affected by the awful actions on July 7. We have since then picked up the pace back to normal. No-one is attempting any type of challenge today - common sense has prevailed there. My message to you all... If you haven't observed the 2 minute silence then please do at some point. Do it out of respect if nothing else. Secondly, carry on with life like normal. Yes, be more vigilant, but don't let some terrorists stop you from enjoying life or going about your business. Yes, I believe more attacks will come, but noone knows when or where, so carry on as normal. God bless.

One year on...

Ok so the year is up. 12 months ago I blogged about 9 targets for the academic year. Stictly speaking I've still got another 5 days until college has finished, but thats because I got extensions. In bold will be the target that I wrote, and below it will be the summary for the year. enjoy.

1. To have visited 100 football grounds (that means 18 more this season)
FAILED - I'm currently on 95.
2. To have visited Highbury before it gets demolished.
FAILED - Didnt even get close. Missed opportunity there!
3. To enjoy London above ground far more.
FAILED - Certainly haven't done this. Barely even been to London in a year. Thats shocking.
4. To be more adventurous in eating out.
ACHEIVED - Nice little Italian place in Hatfield that I will use again, new places in St Albans too.
5. To have read through the whole Bible in one year.
FAILED - Did really badly at this one. Went about a month and then gave up. Kinda feel awful about that one!
6. To have increased on all 3 of my PB's for the Tube Challenges.
FAILED - I only inceased on the ALC. Zone 1 was a worse time and I havent even done a full 275! But there is one planned for next week sometime.
7. To have completed Year 2 of Uni AND be raring to go for Yr3.
ACHEIVED - I guess this is one of the crucial ones really. I'm still waiting for the results of Year 2, but it looks good. And even more surprisingly Im very much looking forward to Year 3 - I already know what I'm going to write my dissertation on.
8. To have lost come weight/be fitter
ACHEIVED - You must know about this, if not then read back through the past month
9. To be in the right church.
ACHEIVED - Im very happy at City Church. Its the first time Ive felt at home since being in Ware. The people are great, the teaching is spot on and I like the worship.

So I only acheived 4 out of 9. Thats not particularly good. But I like to think that the important ones got ticked, Uni, Church, Health. The other that I would have liked was the Bible. I will be thinking about targets for the next year too. Scary stuff though - this time next year I'm going to have to get a proper job!

a good weekend!

ive had a really nice weekend and I thought Id share some of it with you, hope thats ok and doesnt make you jealous!

Friday night was youth club, which I didnt enjoy and Im glad that I've finished with Young Life for the summer (and possibly forever). I then came home by train with muscles aching like anything and almost went to watch a film about Johnny Cash. Now I may be a bit dumb at some things but I honestly didn't know who Cash was. I didnt end up watching the film but got filled in on the phone about who he was. Its just quite weird that ive never heard of him. im normally quite well at that stuff. ah well. anyone else not heard of him? (or at least before the film came out)

Saturday was simply a delicious day. I went off early to Ware to get ready for the Ware carnival in which Ware FC had a float. I made sure I had everything im my bag before I got the bus but forgot 1 vital thing... money! I only realised when I got on the bus. I begged the driver to see if he could stop at a cashpoint in Hertford so that I could pay him along the way. He told me not to worry about paying and I got on! Awfully nice chap! We had a good little chat about the World Cup too.

I waited around in Ware for a bit before heading to setup and chatted to the Ware keeper for a bit. He's sustained a horrfic injury during pre season whilst playing cricket. He got hit in the face with a ball and cracked his eye socket and cheekbone and he's lost his sight in his right eye. Hopefully the sight problem is just from bleeding and should return. Nasty stuff though. He's a good keeper and we hope to see him soon.

When someone says to you that Ware have got a float in the parade your mind kinda wonders and you think that youve got a flat back lorry thats huge and all the playing squad. Instead we had a little pick up van and 6 fans. But its about the quality not the quantity. We blew up balloons, attached our flags and bunting and took photos. The weather was superb and we all looked good in our Ware shirts. We got on the back on the van and drove down to the start of the parade to get judged. We started doing some chanting of sorts and bantering with other floats. We were certainly the nosiest, but alas no prizes for out float! As the procession started it was I that was holding the league trophy and going through the town showing it off. People cheered us and applauded us. It was a great thing to see and something I never thought would happen. People had their photos taken with us and hopefully we will get in the Mercury.

We hung out at the fair for an hour or so (I won a coconut hehe) and spent time with the bro's and my nephew - lovley little chap! and then it was off to the club to watch the world cup. nuff said.

I headed home that night to Hatfield and had a really nice evening - typical summer's night. Sunday was sweet too. Went to church in the morning which was good and the topic was spot on and encouraging and then got invited to the Hamer's for a bbq and hanging out. I wasnt aware that was just going to myself and the Hamer's but it was well nice! We all hung out, ate together, played cards together and chilled. That was the first real time that I've had a Sunday afternoon with a family (including my own) in about 6 years. And it was great. Then went to church again in the evening - check me out hehe! and then chilled again in the evening whilst planning and memorising Underground routes. Obviously the Tube had to be involved somewhere otherwise it wouldnt be a superb weekend. Ok so maybe it would.

Weight watch: seeing as I was at the Hamer's, I was finally able to get on the scales again. Drum roll please.... 14st 9lbs. Thats another significant loss! Thats 8lbs in 10 days. My target is 14st i think - i havent been that weight since I was 17 years old i think.